Recently, I was reading articles on a news app, and I started to feel antsy.
“I should be writing or creating something instead of sitting here reading this stuff” I could hear my inner monologue chiding me for not being productive. “Why am I doing this? This is a waste of time.”
And that was the point at which I realized that I have a weird, twisted relationship with productivity.
an unhealthy relationship
Often I find myself seeking to be “productive” for the sake of “productivity.” If I’m not doing something that seems constructive, I experience that as a reflection on my value as a person, and by extension, my usefulness to others. I often find myself in the trap of “productivity for productivity’s sake” – a mindset where I have assigned a certain “value” to everything I could be doing, and if that value is too low, forcing myself to go “be productive.”
Writing about this is proving to be more difficult than I would have expected. I’m not sure if it’s the introspective nature of the topic, or the strange “productivty value” I put on things, but articulating these concepts has become frustrating. I’ve re-written this section’s opening paragraph three times already and my ADHD mind is screaming at me to just forget it and go do something else! That difficulty in communicating this concept is part of what makes it so nefarious in the first place.
When I am doing a thing – any thing – I tend to assign a “productivity value” to that thing that I am doing. This isn’t some official tracker or score sheet – it’s a internal feeling about the value of the activity. This value can be enhanced or degraded based on context as well. Here’s a few examples:
Low “productivty value” activities
- Browsing Reddit
- Watching a TV show
- Sitting still
- Mindfulness activities
- Playing video games
- Reading informational / educational articles
- Painting / Drawing / Art
High “productivity value” activities
- Working
- Cleaning (though the EFD fights this one hard)
- Writing (for some reason?)
- Household planning
Very High “productivity value” activities
- Doing miscellaneous tasks that aren’t immediately important to feel busy
Did you notice that last one? It’s a big part of why this is a problem. As a child I constantly received messaging of “you need to try harder” “don’t be lazy” “you’re too smart to not do x. Why can’t you do x?”. I now know that that is a classic indication of undiagnosed ADHD, but unfortunately, it has the added affect of creating this “I must do things impulse.”
So when I am not being “productive” I feel anxious and feel the need to “be productive!”
Right. The articles
So – how does all this relate to reading articles? Over the first 40 years of my life I have developed this idea that if I am doing something for me, or something that is not immediately productive, than I am doing something wrong. And even when I am doing something for me, or something that I enjoy, or “wasting time”, I have this feeling, nagging me in the back of my mind, that I am doing something wrong and I need to stop doing that thing immediately.
So, when I find myself, sitting still, reading articles, feeling antsy, I started to question why?
And I arrived at a conclusion that actually surprised me:
Everything has value, even things without “value”
We are the sum of all of our experiences, activities, relationships, and behaviors. Every moment of our lives can be easily traced back to a specific origin point. And with a powerful enough computer, and enough data, every future moment of our lives can be predicted with certainty (I see you over there Laplace). Reading articles? Valuable insight into the world, other thought processes, and outside worldviews. Playing video games? Decompression time, problem solving, and shifting focus. Writing blog posts? Existentional therapy. An argument with your spouse? Deeper understanding of them, yourself, and an opportunity to work on problem solving skills. Working on work? Earning a paycheck, improving skills and hireability, and learning what you really want to do with your life.
Anything you can learn from has value, even if it feels like a negative behavior or activity, such as putting off important tasks, playing too many video games, watching too many TV shows, or, I don’t know, making too many impulsive decisions. Being mindful of your experiences and learning opportunities can lead to greater self awareness, mental health, and self-esteem. Consequences from these behaviors can help us to learn how to make better choices, seek help where we need to in the form of therapy, medication, accountability, or familial support.
It’s also important to take time for relaxation and recharging. Taking time for yourself is an important part of mental health and is never a waste of time. And remember some people need more recharge time than others – though if you find yourself questioning if you’re taking too much time consider talking to a mental health professional about it. (dicslaimer about depression and too much time)
And when I find myself feeling antsy about doing something that isn’t “valuable”, like reading articles, browsing instagram, or staring at a screen? I can use my P.A.C.E. method to address these feelings of anxiety and uselessness, by carefully considering what I am doing in the moment and choosing to either contiue down that same path or choose a new one.
TL;DR
Everything we do, experience, and think has value. That value might be positive or negative, but every experince is an opportunity to learn, address our expectations, and work on ourselves. Sometimes you need to take time to relax, sometimes, you need to do something constructive. And you can use something like the P.A.C.E. method to address whether or not what you’re doing in the moment is really the best choice at the time.
