The Shadow of Inspiration: Facing the Pressure of Daily Creation

I’m sitting at my desk, Pages open on my iPad, cursor blinking expectantly, but the words just won’t come.  I’ve got plenty to talk about, so much I want to say, yet the opening paragraph eludes me. The cursor’s incessant blinking becomes menacing, mocking my inaction. And yet I stare on, unmotivated to continue, dissatisfied with every opening word.

I’ve repeated this experience with so many of my creative pursuits, from drawing, to painting, to writing, and especially that brief period of time when i fancied myself a DJ and wrote so, so much bad music in FL Studio.

I used to think that this feeling was because I lacked creativity, or my creative reservoir was “used up” (possible, but that’s a topic for another time). 

But that’s not really it; that is just an excuse that I use to “hide” the truth of my trepidation.

There’s a strange dichotomy at play here in most of my creative pursuits; on one hand I tie up so much of my identity in my ability to be creative (whatever that actually means), and on the other hand, I feel like a failure if I’m not pursuing that creativity (again, whatever that means!) every day.

The Identity Question

For as long as I can remember, I have routinely enjoyed some form of classical creative expression.  I don’t mean baroque painting styles or concertos a la Bach; rather, I’m referring to the idea of the “arts” – drawing, painting, music, writing, you know.  Art. I’ve owned a forest’s worth of sketchbooks. I could build a sail for a catamaran with all the canvas I’ve bought. I have fond memories of drawing great white sharks, Super Mario Brothers levels and myriad other things as a kid. So the idea of myself as a creative is ingrained deeply in my psyche.

(I struggle with letting myself out, though, and my art suffers.)

The Pressure Vessel

So. My identity, being wrapped up in the idea of I am a creator, is instilling this belief that I should be “creating” something every day. I feel like I’m falling behind on who I am if I am not producing one “art” per day.

This pressure builds up, and it’s a compounding pressure. I must produce, and if it’s not good then I haven’t really produced so that makes me a failure so i must produce harder.

No one is doing this to me.  No one expects me to make anything. Honestly, very few people would ever be affected if I just never drew, wrote, or painted anything ever again.

But this pressure creates a vapor-lock in my creative engine, and my emotional health suffers as a result! I stop creating because “I’m a failure,” which compounds the feelings of failure, which dulls my emotional awareness, and then I become a reserved, distant, unwelcoming person. And, well everything suffers as a result.

Two hopes

Creativity, to me, has two factors, and maybe this applies to you too:

1. It really cannot be forced
2. It’s in everything we do

Creativity cannot be forced! I can be under time constraints or other restrictions and have to produce something, but for that to really be a reflection of who I am, it needs room to breathe and grow and accumulate to the point of blooming.  For a writing prompt, that could take 10 minutes.  For a quick drawing for my kids’ lunches, that could take 30 seconds, or an hour once for some reason.  For a painting, it can take months, or years, for the idea to fully form. I simply can’t have a forced requirement of daily creation and expect awesome results. 

Not being able to immediately create a reflection of myself in 30 seconds every day is not a failure!

Creativity is in almost everything! Writing code, cooking a meal, balancing a checkbook, drawing a picture, or even just painting a wall can involve creative thinking. Humans are creative by nature and even the most traditionally “uncreative” among us use creative approaches. It can be found in everyday activities, problem-solving, and analytical tasks. Whether that’s finding a unique solution to to a technical problem or experimenting with ingredients in the kitchen (go ahead, add that tarragon.  No one’s judging!) creativity is a fundamental aspect of human existence.

So what can I do to improve my expectations of myself?

Recognize that I create many somethings every day, even if they are not traditionally “creative”.

Realize that value and success is not measured by the amount of “art” created, or even the frequency, but the fulfillment and growth that comes from the act of creation.

Look for and celebrate the ways that I use my own unique blend of skills and interests to build custom solutions and answers to problems that I face every day. This alone could satisfy my need for daily creation!

Find time to be still and silent and learn to be comfortable with the idea that I cannot just create on demand!

And here’s a tough one: 

Reflection.  Spend time – doesn’t have to be every day – to write down all the creative things that I have done, no matter how minor they seem!

How do you deal with the pressure? Do you feel this way at all?